Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Depression

depression is all dagger no point
all fang no bite
well not enough to break the skin
despair leaves me dull and out of joint
hammering the door day and night
don't let it in

vampire at the threshold that needs no invitation
no banal immortality
just incessant vituperation

fake and flat and fat again
a man akin to a problematic mannequin
disassemble send it back
hang the flack on the rack
or set him up out back for target practice
before he tries to shove his treatise down your tractus

either everything is meaningless
or impossible and beautiful and meaningful 
just needing less
me
in it

when i'm circling the drain
i know it’s just my brain
but to say it’s only in my head
still means no escaping the dread
and fear of failure that’s invested
i’m infested
pickled in cortisol and digested

will it spread
yes
making me worth
less

it’s not a way of thinking it’s an end
it’s a fight to keep afloat
and too easy to descend

Monday, August 30, 2021

Looming Abyss

air conditioner white noise static
i think i hear voices
monsters in the attic
don't panic
but i have limited choices
anxiety depression behavior erratic
wish i could be an adroit droid
set on automatic

but i can’t
inner voice says no one wants to hear
another middle-aged rant
if i give into the fear
need a brain transplant
take a breather drink a beer
so i can be a human being not an ant

Nietzsche said
stare into the abyss it stares back
fighting monsters in my head
and what i lack
that i’ll never be enough is what I dread
better weave the best I got and not look back
so the best of me survives me when I’m dead 

Adventure, Part 1

in the sea see a shiny silver fish with an orange scale
swimming with a calm blonde mom wearing chain mail
who picks up a sword with an orange cord trailing
kicks off the bottom to a surface ship sailing

failing to flag down the captain of the ship
the woman shakes the sword 
magic radar goes blip

blip

drawn by the sound and the flashing vorpal sword
drop anchor, launch a raft, bring the woman on board
examining and questioning the orange cord’s source
the captain recommends that boat change course ...

Sunday, August 29, 2021

My Favorite Color

in my first memory
big hot christmas lights
red green blue
but best were
Orange

and the salty pastry-smelling
(don’t eat it)
play doh my brother used
to make a sesame street ernie for me
and dancing up the alphabet block step pyramid
the S was
Orange

the fruit and its coiling rind
the sugary barrel drinks
the sherbet
Ihe ices
creamsicle summers
sugar sweet and sticky
my favorite t-shirt
and the setting sunlight
Orange

hillside maples changing leaves
smells of nutmeg and cinnamon
the pumpkin field
stickers with the black cat
in front of the moon
even that magic word
halloween
Orange

the feeling of love
in my chest for my children
and wife
and my hope for the future
the best things in life are
Orange

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Deconstruction

My toddler dumped 
the puzzle pieces onto the floor,
and started with the eyes,
the easily identifiable face,
of his favorite cartoon train 
engine.

He tried ways of fitting them together –
ways I would no longer try –
unafraid of making mistakes,
uncolonized by methodology, or
standards of correctness.
In a word: inefficient.
 
But he turns the pieces this way and that
and succeeds in the goal
of assembling the picture 
like the one on the box.

The puzzle complete,
he smiles and says, “Destructo!”
breaking it into pieces again with great joy.

“Let’s do it again,” he says, 
and does
a little faster.

Seeing immediately
the way it should be done,
and realizing that the speed 
of alleged progress
is the enemy of originality,

watching him struggle,
and patient enough to let him,
my only wish
is that the pieces could fit
in different ways,
so we could build 
a new kind of engine,
One that could never
drive us 
ever forward
on the rails.

Friday, August 27, 2021

Half My Life

I was seven
when my mortality 
first occurred to me.
Lying in the dark after bedtime,
I envisioned my funeral
with no one graveside,
because my parents were old,
and my siblings were old,
and when they inevitably died before me,
I would be alone.

Now I have lived six times that span,
more than half my life by the statisticians' count,
and only now do I see the value of time
rapidly running through the glass.

This is how regrets are born,
but I refuse them.

I have lived sometimes well,
and feel saddened I lived a mostly 
dull life -
not that at times it didn't shine.
Any harm I have done is repaid
in stumbles, and failures, and 
humbling reprisals.

There is a kind of balance now,
in place of joy,
and sometimes in the night 
I awaken, anxious
about the end.

I am no tragic figure;
no hero save in games I play.
I can still chew my food
and locomote,
at times even run.

The continents slide slowly
over the skin of the earth,
and the planets make their way 
in their orbits,
and the sun that crossed its zenith
is still warm on my shoulders,
and the road ahead is still long,
if predictably paved and graded.

So forward.

Thursday, August 26, 2021

When It Was Still New


Late August evening light
gilded green leaves
scattered shifting patterns
in the grass cool shade

Gentle hands push
hair from a smooth tanned cheek
lips brush lips
eyes open met in smiles

A haze of golden light
around the old gravel road 
through the high shining grass
even midges, mosquitos, gnats 
shone ethereal

In among the small thick trees
ignored by property lines
the small brown wooden house
the neighborhood children built
of scraps

They once held hands
smooth and warm with sweat
smelling of sunscreen and lotion
when it was still new to love


Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Off Season

Off season, Myrtle Beach. 
I went for a walk alone 
to a diner with an ocean view.
A shaggy haired, 
bearded, beach bum 
in ripped jean shorts,
a brown, tattered wool sweater,
and broken sandals,
followed close behind me.

My waitress took me to my table,
while 
the hostess tried to throw him out.
My waitress spoke up
and got him a table too
next to mine.
Got him some coffee, and dinner rolls.

She took my order 
and said, “If he bothers you, 
let me know.
He doesn’t have to stay.
I just feel bad for him.
See him around sometimes.
Sleeps on the beach.”

As she walked away, 
he followed her with his gaze. 
He turned to me and rolled his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“I’m schizophrenic and sometimes I hear angels.
Do you believe?”

“I did. But not anymore.”

“You should,” he said.
“I’m sorry. 
I know I’m crazy.
Angels know engines.
They saved my life once, you know.”

“How?”

“I was on a bus in Mexico. 
We were coming down 
out of the mountains
on this narrow, kinda-windy road,
when the engine caught on fire.

There was a lot of smoke
and the driver couldn’t see,
so he was swerving all over.

And that’s when the angels,
they said, don’t fear,
and in my mind,
they took apart the engine
and put it back together
while it was running.

We finally got to a place 
where we could pull off the road,
and everybody got out, but
by that time, the engine was fine,
you know?
The driver lifted the hood and 
there was still some smoke,
but he just kinda shook his head.
When he got back in 
the bus started right up.”

He turned away abruptly
when the waitress brought me a salad
and a cup of coffee.
She leaned in, and I could see
the black hairs growing 
from her mole.
She whispered, “Is he bothering you?”

“No.” I said. “He’s okay.”

She leaned back and smiled.
“You let me know if you
need anything else.”

“I could use some angels,” I said.

The waitress shook her head
“Can’t help you there.”

The man laughed.
“You’re crazy, man,” he said.

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

Sacrilege

Myths control masses
like a Ghostbuster toaster,
ectoplasm-blasted
schism cracked chasm.
Lasting iconoclastic sarcasm.
Smash stained glass
in case of caustic flashes.
Morse coded messages
three dots, three dashes -

Three dots
from a flaking Teflon pan
on a steak,
then the plaque in the brain
and the ache.
Paroxysm Sunday
at church, shaking hands.
That resurrected
in the mind of a man
religion.
Didn’t see it was bleak
when a minor miracle was
a parking lot reflected
sunlight backlit,
infected pigeon
with a twig in its beak.

Catechism dumper.
Alabama slammer.
Hammered Bible-thumper
burning crosses, sheet bleaching
ham-handed, ham-fisted preaching,
Cryptic cryptid in a chrysalis:
Christ pissed, betrayed,
kissed,
whipped, crowned,
nailed, impaled,
missed.

After dark,
dad awash in wine,
alcohol mist
shrouded.
Third day bender-blind,
pissed pants reek.
Sweaty kiddo in the trailer park,
bruise on his cheek,
shouted,
“Jesus in a juice box,
rolled away the foil,
kicked off his birkenstocks,
washed his feet in oil.”

Holy, holy, holy
shit.
Fuck this human toil.

Week One

“The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.”
~Ludwig Wittgenstein

In the first week I managed eleven posts. This post and my poem today will make thirteen.

What have I learned so far?

1. A minimum of one poem a day worth of creative output along with my other endeavors is achievable.

2. Forcing myself to put ideas together into a poem inspires me to work on other creative projects such as D&D adventures, short stories, and nonfiction pieces.

3. I feel awakened to, and on the look-out for, creative inspiration everywhere.

4. My inner critic is a real asshole.

I definitely started to lag a bit in the last two days, but I realized that the lag was not from a lack of motivation, but rather a fear of failure fueled by my inner critic.

But “fear of failure” is not quite right either. It was fully the asshole bully in my brain telling me, “Well, that’s not good enough. Are you really going to post that? So, we’re just phoning it in now? This is a little bit ‘Hallmark’, no? No one is going to read this shit. Too depressing. Too hopeful. Too short.” Blah blah blah …

Turning that voice off and just writing and condensing without overthinking it is much, much harder than I thought.

In terms of readership, the blog has 99 hits. Thank you to my friends who continue to share the links on their social media. I might look into getting on Facebook or Twitter, just to have another platform to encourage readership.

Also, I strongly encourage people to post comments on the poems here. Please engage with the material even if it's just to say you liked it, or didn't get it, or whatever.

Into the next week!

Be good to each other.

~MS


Monday, August 23, 2021

The Lie of i

That i,
the lone one alone,
individual,
knows it is a lie.

i knows it is fractured
fragmented and fragile.
Its ruse of opinion
a mantle of hot winds, 
the agile riot of thoughts 
it claims it owns, 
cling to no framework – 
all props, no bones.

No matter the matter to which it clings,
it tries to distract
with tangible things
and tales of uniqueness
that when prodded 
have molting wings.

Beneath trembles the i.
It’s just a scaredy little guy,
afraid of dislike,
afraid to die.
It claims it is,
and at its heart,
unified (but on paper,
or screen, at least 
two 
parts).

A faction of fractions;
a fiction in friction;
an idea with Capital
given social traction
to blindly reconcile the contradiction.
Mostly just a metaphor 
for what we’re told to be.

That i
the lone one alone,
individual,
instead of We.

Sunday, August 22, 2021

At The Edge of The Storm

frightful evening into morning
cell phone brightens belting warning
after warning
while the wind of oceans yawning
through the maple’s branches
celebrates and sways and dances
dawning into rainy day dye
making brown, and green, and gray
for the life earth then
daintily sip, sip, sips from the sky

at the edge of a storm
that deigns to pass us by
trending seaward, northward, eastward
crashes forward and then 
shoreward trains its mellow eye


Saturday, August 21, 2021

Shoreward

In dreams, upon a rocky shoal I walk.
My inner mountebank’s incessant talk
evaporates my hope and steals the salt.
That summer season cures the heart of fault.

So, when my tears are made of water pure,
which can dilute a poison but not cure
the foul corruption draining will from me,
I scan the strand for counter chemistry.

All through the search my doubt assaults the strand,
my senses sharp worn smooth by searing sand.
But slow, the rogue’s discards come back to hand.
Despite the rising surf, I stand. I stand.

The sunset paints and makes the sky a sail,
and on the sea from shore, in light, a trail.



Friday, August 20, 2021

Nerd Haiku

             I.
I'm no hero, yet
thwart evil weekly with friends;
Dungeons and Dragons.

            II.
What is that foul stench
in this dark dungeon chamber?
Rogues: silent, deadly.

           III.
What treasure lies
behind this suspicious door?
A new character.


Thursday, August 19, 2021

Doors 1

I lived in Queens, New York for a short time. It was there, on a street off of Jamaica Avenue that I saw the first door outside of a movie or illustration that made me think, This doesn't belong here.

There in the middle of a residential block was a squat brick building with a tree growing out front. On either side of the old stone steps were high flowering plants and vines. At the top of the steps was a rickety, gray, wooden door, uneven in its frame and an inch off it's threshold. Poking out underneath was a folded corner of black tarp.

I was mesmerized. It was the strangest cross between urban poverty and a fairy tale I had ever seen. I took a picture of it, but now, sadly, I'm not sure where that picture is.

The significance of doors, doorways, windows, portals, and thresholds is everywhere in our stories and those of our predecessors. Since that first experience in Queens, I have loved photographing them and will undoubtedly continue to do so.

Here are a few recent photos I captured while in upstate New York.






When I was in graduate school, I went to a house party. The house was split into three apartments - two downstairs, separated by a small entry hallway, and one large loft apartment upstairs. All the occupants knew each other, and were close friends, so the whole house was open for the gathering that night.

The three people that lived there all had radically different tastes and were from different walks of life. One was a college English professor who also loved music and played in a band; One was a college graduate student and Teaching Assistant, and the woman who lived upstairs was a retired lawyer who now smoked large quantities of pot, practiced yoga and gave free legal advice.

I wandered between those three apartments that night experiencing something like euphoria as the very texture of space changed from apartment to apartment to apartment. 

One loud with boisterous college students, drinking, playing pop music, and hooking up.

Cross the threshold into the hallway, then through the next door.

One quiet with a large group of grad students and professors sitting on couches, passing joints and pipes, and occasionally commenting of the film playing on a large flat screen television in the living room. In the adjoining kitchen, whispered conversations by candlelight between four poets and a student about the nature of language and subjectivity.

Cross the threshold into the hallway, through the next door and upstairs.

A smoky blanket of incense in the air. The smell of pot and patchouli and people dancing to Bill Withers, Sam Cooke, Al Green, Marvin Gaye, and Curtis Mayfield.

Three radically different spaces, containing many completely different states of being. All I did was pass through some doorways.

Have you ever walked through a door into a room and forgot why you went there in the first place? It's because you crossed a threshold and your brain did a reset to adjust to the new environment.

On the other hand, if you're lucky enough to be fully present and aware when you pass through a doorway into a new space, it can be like interdimensional travel or traveling in time. Try it out the next time you visit a strange place.

In the meantime, be good to each other.
~MS

Mom's Scars

panicked screaming, 
heavy thumps followed by glass shattered 
a neighbor called it in

the police came faster than before

and dragged her raging from the house

heels through the jagged shards of broken ashtray 
onto the porch in smears of blood

I didn’t call them I swear to god


they handcuffed the man’s bruised fists behind him

he didn't resist

you bitch, you fucking bitch

drunken, red eyes rolling,

a running gash along the forearm

from a suicide threat


three children

two girls holding hands with a boy of five

emerged behind the rest

and stood crying together on the 

yellowed lawn


but the police said the woman was hysterical

shut the fuck up you stupid bitch

slammed her head in the cruiser door


the children saw her finally relent

from the eyebrow gash

a cascade of red painting the eye shut

an officer led her to the grass where her children hugged her and cried

and the police took their father away


so there was peace

for those two days

Rules For A-Poem-A-Day

Good advice ...
I have so far been successful in my goal of writing a poem a day ... but then, it's only been two days so ... I'm not going to throw any parties or anything.

I can see how this is going to be a challenge, in part because my critical side is already looking over those previous poems and proposing changes ... A LOT of changes. But that's not the point.

In my opening post I said I would write a poem a day, so here are some rules I am going to follow in this quest to force myself to be creative without overthinking it:

1. Spelling Errors/Utilitarian Edits

I will go back to change the improper spelling of a word in a poem I have published here. Otherwise, once it's published, it's done, warts and all.

For the "utilitarian edit" part: Changing font style or size for ease of readability seems like a good thing to do, so let me know in the comments if something is hard to read. 

Also, I just realized that - to keep me honest - I am either going to go back and put "Poem-A-Day" in parenthesis of the titles of the poems that count toward this project, or apply a "Poem-A-Day" label of some kind ... probably a label.

PS - If you didn't know, you can click on labels under the "Labels" tab to the right to get posts with only a specific label applied. It's a way for Blogs to have an index, and that's something I probably feel a little too enthusiastic about.

2. No Previously Written or Published Poems

You deserve poetry fresh-squeezed from my brain (it tastes better) AND copy-pasting some old thing I wrote years ago would defeat the purpose of this project. 

So, even if I post two poems in a day because I'm feeling inspired, that second poem doesn't count toward the next day. It's just an extra poem. Extra awful or maybe extra good poetry for you! 

Each day is a fresh start and a new poem with a midnight deadline for posting.

3. No Days Off

Even if it's just a few lines, I have to publish a new poem, one that I consider to be complete, by midnight each day. 

The only reason I would not post is if there is a serious technology error, but since Blogger is pretty awesome about even letting me access, compose and post from my phone, I doubt that will be an issue ... unless I drop my phone in a toilet, or throw it in the ocean ... you know, normal stuff. 

In any case, if a day did come that I didn't post a poem, be sure that soon after there would be many mea culpas and probably some incriminating photos that you could use to threaten me in the future ... or something. 

Well, I think that's it for now. 

Be good to each other.

~MS

Wednesday, August 18, 2021

We Forgot Our Mr. Rogers

It only took twenty years to forget our Mr. Rogers.
We forgot to be good neighbors
and that when we get mad
we can choose to stop.

Remember,
he told us that it's good to stop
when we're doing something wrong,
and good to know that we
can make that choice.

And now, when
the whole world seems mad,
it's good to know
we can make that choice.

Just remember:

We can stop any time.
We can stop any time.
We can stop any time.
We can stop any time.

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

Another Night

In the hospital waiting room
my father dozed
in a wheelchair, wrapped in a stained white sheet
to stave off the cold
blasting down from above.

My mother complained
about the wait,
the white noise,
the nurse's questions,
my father's stubbornness.

Six feet across from us
sat a woman with a bruise healing under one eye, 
and a very small girl
in a pink dress,
her tiny arm in a yellow sling.

The girl was solemn.
She turned to the woman and said,
"It's gonna be night-night time?"

The woman squinted out the window.
The glass and hoods of parked cars threw back hot white sunlight
that punched through the haze of the summer day.
"Silly," she said. "It's the middle of the afternoon."

The girl looked at my father,
then at her bruised arm,
then at her feet, and whispered,
"It's night-night time all day long."


Morning

Eyes cracked when morning broke
and spilled its viscous vicious yolk
on my pallid face before I begin
benign, well at least anodyne,
ready again to take it on the chin.

Glassy-eyed anxious stomach churning
first thirst purpose unquenched and burning
feet scuffing a cold wooden floor
to play again against a dim despair
the way it wends its course, the snake,
the force of will it takes 
to make it through the door.

What Am I Doing Here?

For starters, minimally, I am going to try to write at least one poem a day. The goal is to turn off my over-critical ego, write, and post by midnight.

In addition to the poetry, I might do some other stuff: prose, photos, drawings ... things that bring me a sense of fulfillment, and hopefully things that you like to look at, but crossover there is not guaranteed.

I'm looking forward to hearing thoughts and engaging with my readers/viewers, but please be kind to each other. I will delete assholes ... unless they're funny.

Next post will likely be a poem.

Be awesome.

~MS

Thoughts on Bots, Poetry, and Coming Back Again

I checked my blog's numbers after my last post. My readership seemed to be exploding, but considering the volume was all from Singapore,...