The Love My Body Never Got

i’m

ashamed

a fat guy

wondering what

if for one minute

i just pretended to

love my body how it is

that’s not how a man’s supposed to look

try to read not eat a health food book

my

brothers’

ludicrous

epithets still

echo in my mind

lard-ass lazy cow or

fatty-fatty-two-by-four

couldn’t fit through the bathroom door

lean mean scrappy guys tough guys are cool

in movies fat guys are funny 

why aren’t you

all 

day long

every day

the same abuse

but so ingrained now

no siblings are required

the shame keeps me locked inside

i hate the thought of being seen

hey fatty hop on a treadmill

shouts some kid in a passing car

but

what if

i have the

gall to say i

love my jiggling ass

my thick runner’s thighs now

soft but no less powerful

my swollen stomach like a hill

found beautiful in some cultures just

not ours which would also shame me for these

tits that i try so hard to hide but laughing

hold and shake mirthfully in the mirror this once

like a holy holiday of self-acceptance and

love my body never got though it’s all i’ll ever have